Why My Life Sucks
by Skyskater
Summary: Hitsugaya has been forced into the leading male role in a school play. And with Matsumoto as the main girl and Mayuri as his father, things are BOUND to go bad. Right? Utter crack for ArisatoM.
1. Introduction Prologue Thing

**To ArisatoM, who is so very patient.**

**Prompt: **1. Must be about a school play (play does not actually exist in real life) called "Why My Life Sucks." Story must have same title. 2. Must have cast as follows: Main Guy: Hitsugaya Main Girl: Matsumoto Guy who is love with Main Girl: Ichigo Guy who is in love with Main Guy: Yumichika Girl who is in love with Main Guy: Rukia Main Guy's best friends: Renji, Ikkaku, Keigo Main Girl's best friends: Orihime, Ryo, Chizuru Guy who wants to kill Main Guy: Ishida Main Guy's father: Mayuri (lol XD) Main Girl's older brother: Chad 3. Hitsugaya and Matsumoto hook up IN PLAY. You can do whatever you want outside of play. 4. Renji gets stabbed with a spork. 5. Play must be a comedy.

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This is depressing.

Hitsugaya Toushirou reporting. I have recently been forced into a leading role in the school play, titled "Why My Life Sucks." Now, I think we can all agree that if a play is titled that, something bad is going to happen to me, yes? It's me, me, me, me, me. I don't understand it. Everybody feels the need to laugh at me and make fun of me. "Oh, let's go make fun of the vegans and their ridiculous lifestyle!" Well, you know what? You can all go and eat a hamburger and...and choke on a cow dick or something.

Why does it have to be ME? And WHY does Matsumoto have to be the leading girl?! I don't even like her to begin with, and we actually have to get intimate to some certain degree in this play! Once again, someone up there in the Heavens is screwing around with me. Why? Because they can.

This play is SO messed up. First of all, I'm the main guy. And that's never good. Matsumoto's the main girl: That's not good because we have to hook up in this play and I don't like her because on our first encounter, she called me a nancy boy and knocked me out of the way with her giant appendage. The guy who is in love with the main girl is Ichigo. Oh. I see. Now I'm supposed to play the part of jealous boyfriend and kill Ichigo. The guy who is in love with ME: Yumichika. This wouldn't be bad, except for the fact that he's so self-absorbed, he'll probably be looking into a mirror and checking his eyeshadow while on stage. Then I'll get blamed for it. The girl who is in love with me is Rukia. Well...umm...I've taken a strong disliking to her ever since she drew me with Hyorinmaru and people on the Internet thought it was a spork. My best friends are supposedly Renji (trying to get in touch with his primitive side, once again recounting the Empire State Building and the 100 percent Banana Juice incidents), Ikkaku (who always has premonitions, because the sky is ALWAYS blue and that will never change), and Keigo (who's just plain stupid to the point where it's funny.) The main girl's best friends are Orihime (DUH), Ryo and Chizuru (no comment). The guy who wants to kill me is Ishida. Why, is he jealous because I made fun of his sewing? Oh, does baby wanna cookie? Puh-lease. My father...Mayuri?! WHAT THE FUCK?! Main girl's older brother: Chad.

...I really, really don't want to do this. But I'm forced to. Because I apparently have to integrate myself into this community, and the most effective way of doing that would be by being one of the main roles in a play.

I can't take this. I'm too depressed to go on. Please excuse me while I go recuperate in this little emo corner of doom that has so conveniently just appeared for me...

**_December 21  
Sunday  
Recuperating in little emo corner of doom  
Hitsugaya_**

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**Challenge from ArisatoM. Please review! More chapters to come!**

**Later!  
Skyskater**


	2. The First Encounter

I was up there on stage, wearing nothing but a pair of swim trunks. Because we were supposedly having our first encounter at the beach. God. I think some of the guys in the front row will need to be forcibly restrained from attacking Matsumoto when she comes out of the dressing room. If not, Matsumoto, heck, might be pregnant tomorrow morning for all we know!

So yeah. Our first encounter is at the beach, and here I am, standing up here on stage in nothing but a pair of godawful, uncomfortable swim trunks, freezing my ass off because it's the dead of the winter and the heater is broken inside the auditorium. I'm fucking cold, needless to say. And don't give me all that crap about how Hyourinmaru is an ice type zanpakutoh and that I should not be cold. I am cold because of the US Government causing all this goddamn global warming! Yes! That is the reason why I'm cold! Because of global warming!

Yeah. But I'm really, really cold. And everybody is laughing and pointing because my upper body is not as well developed as every other guy's out there in the auditorium. Yeah, Mizuiro better not be laughing, because I KNOW for a fact that I have better abs than he does.

Then Matsumoto just saunters in, with nothing on but a very, very skimpy bikini, and while the male members in the first row did not attempt to attack her, they did have to be forcibly restrained and quite a few passed out from severe blood loss. I, of course, tried to turn my head so that I wouldn't have to see her, but Renji, who's supposed to be supporting me in my time of need, punched me so that my head twisted around to focus on her. I would have killed Renji right then and there if I had had something other than a pair of too large swim shorts to attack him with.

Since it's cold, and as I'm sure many females have had this experience before, Matsumoto's...things were poking up through her bikini top. God. It was humiliating, and to have a lieutenant who does NOT CARE whatsoever about her lack of modesty, well, that's like saying, "Please kill me now. That would be a merciful fate."

Ikkaku was practically gawping at her, as was Renji, as the two of them are prone to do. Ichigo was busy scanning the sea of faces aka the audience for his beloved American girlfriend who was not actually his girlfriend in the first place. Yumichika was being...Yumichika-ish and checking his mirror and asking whether or not the limelights would give him an ugly orange tan or not. Rukia was being...Rukia and attempting to contact her friends from beyond the stars using a spatula, and Keigo was, well, as most other males in the audience were doing, gawping at Matsumoto. Orihime, Ryo, and Chizuru did absolutely nothing at all, but they were gawked at. Well, Orihime at least. Ishida was busy sewing away a new bikini for Matsumoto, just in case the one she was wearing burst halfway through the scene. Mayuri, gratefully, was not there. I think he was doing something related to installing cameras under toilet seats to see just exactly how a certain head of the noble Kuchiki family could have survived for centuries without the aid of proper literacy. And Chad was being Chadish. And not doing anything.

So we were supposed to be frolicking around the stage like playful little snow hares. Except, of course, I couldn't frolic properly because Matsumoto and/or Orihime kept knocking me off the stage with those rather large things protruding out of their chests. So, after about two attempts, I gave up and sat down in front of the stage, not doing anything.

And the whole auditorium started laughing, even the teachers. Now I know why my swim trunks were so uncomfortable. I was wearing them INSIDE OUT.

Please excuse me. I need to go ask directions to my next huge embarrassing failure.

_December 23  
Tuesday  
Asking directions to my next huge embarrassing failure  
Hitsugaya_

_LOL xD. I can so see this happening._

_Later!  
__Skyskater_


	3. A Donated Maternity Swimsuit

**Happy Holidays everyone!**

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So yeah. Whoever wrote this play must have been on crack or something, because it appears as though this play is going insanely fast. Well, I guess you could compare it to Romeo and Juliet by William Shakespeare. The whole play was written in the course of a week. Well, okay. I mean the whole play was performed throughout the course of a week. Or less. Basically, Romeo found Juliet on Sunday, they got married Monday, he got exiled Monday, and they died together on Tuesday. Or something equally retarded like that. Have I mentioned that in the one version of the movie Romeo and Juliet, the lead role, Romeo, looks like an English version of Zac Efron? Even more reason not to go and watch that version. If you're going to watch Romeo and Juliet, please watch the Leonardo DiCaprio version, because we at least know that he isn't gay. Except for the whole Titanic gig, "Oh, Jack, Jack, stop it, Jack! You know this piece of wood here only has room for my fat ass!" Yeah. Whatever.

Skyskater really likes Titanic for some reason. I can't understand it. I suppose most girls like that movie because it's all romantic and lovey dovey and everything. But she let Jack freaking DIE. Couldn't they have lain on top of each other on that piece of wood? Seriously! And how do you miss an iceberg THAT FREAKING HUGE?! Heck, even Tousen would be well aware of its presence! And he's BLIND!

Right. But we're in Scene Two. Basically, here, Matsumoto and I are at a Christmas party. It just happens to be held by Orihime, who is Matsumoto's friend in the play and in real life, who hooked up with one of my friends, in the play. Orihime hooked up with Renji (poor girl! I can only imagine what Renji is going to do to her when he realizes that he is now hooked up with her...) and they held a Christmas party. And since the challenger who requested this story (cough cough ArisatoM) always needlessly complicates things, we now have to hook up at said Christmas party.

Ulquiorra is being restrained in the audience. Because, well, he's Jewish, and he disapproves of Christmas things whatsoever. Except it didn't seem that way in my guide to high school, which you should all be reviewing rabidly by now if we ever want to beat Theresa Crane's story "Inner Hollow." How DARE she take my title of "Most Reviews in the Anime/Manga Category?!" How DARE SHE! The audacity of you mere mortals.

So we were at the Christmas party, in which, let me tell you, the scenery was completely and totally fake and everybody could tell that much, and suddenly all the lights shut off, except for the one placed directly on me and Matsumoto. I mean, yeah, this is a play about me and her, but STILL! There are times when even I don't want to be the center of attention!

Thank God we don't actually have to have intimate contact any time during this play. And thank God for Ishida's impeccable and very, very bad timing. Because without him, I think Matsumoto would probably have suffocated me in her rather large appendages with a "hug." Because Ishida wants to kill me in the play, and possibly in real life as well, because I insulted his sewing abilities. But yeah. So he was running across the stage, with a sewing needle in his hand (the plastic one, let me tell you. Why? Because his Daddy probably doesn't want Ishida to ruin his flawless skin or whatever). and he was shouting like a samurai, like he was gonna attack me. And he pounced on me and we had a little grapple over a sewing needle.

Matsumoto said something to the likes of, "Oh, now boys, don't fight, don't fight, there's enough of these" - indications to her rather large chest - "to go around."

I ignored this, but Ulquiorra, however, didn't seem to like this. He stood up, breaking through his bonds, in a MATERNITY swimsuit donated generously by Satscout, and yelled, "Hey! The Quincy trash is MINE!!! MINE MINE MINE!" And he jumped up onto the stage, grabbed Ishida, and ran off with him, cackling something about a 'harem' in the land of No Existence....

Alright...

If you don't get why Ulquiorra was even in a maternity swimsuit in the first place, you'll have to go and check out Hitsugaya's Guide to High School, where all the shitload of crack that is referenced in this story is.

So anyway, after Ishida was dragged off stage, the play could not go on, because he was supposed to knock me out and injure me very badly, and since he did not do that, I could not go to the hospital for the next scene where Matsumoto is supposed to mourn over my broken and battered body in a hospital bed and where I'm supposed to console her and everything and tell her that I'm going to be okay and whatnot. So we just ended Scene Two by using Renji to stab me with a spork. Of course, being the stupid primate that he is, first he stabbed me, and then he stabbed himself with the spork. And let me tell you, I was not even aware that sporks could go in so deep in a gigai. But they did. So, Renji has been deported to the hospital (seriously) and the next scene will take place with me in the hospital (not seriously).

Actually, things could be pretty good for me. With Renji out of the picture, I think I can finally get a break from him. Of course, last time he was in the hospital, it looked as though his room had been invaded by Ulquiorra with the contents of half a landfill and then some because he was complaining about the lies of the advertising market and how '100 percent Welch's Banana Juice was a complete fraud' and how he wanted his money back. So...well...Renji is the hospital's problem now.

Please excuse me while I go dramatically stagger about on stage from my spork wound.

_December 24 - Christmas Eve  
Wednesday  
Staggering about on stage due to a spork wound  
Hitsugaya_

_Please review this and Hitsugaya's Guide to High School! In fact, review all of my stories if you want to! But most important is Hitsugaya's Guide to High School. _

_Later!  
Skyskater _


	4. An Intriguing Prospect

**Lawls. Sorry I haven't updated in so long.**

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So here I am, at the hospital. No. Not seriously at the hospital, but like, in the play's hospital that is fakely made out of cardboard and other stuff. The hospital that is probably going to topple down and squish - hopefully? I'm gonna cross my fingers - Mayuri and therefore effectively kill him. It's always the scientific ones that always succumb in the end to something that is really, really weird. Such as a cardboard hospital.

Right, but, basically, if you didn't read the last chapter, I was supposedly stabbed by Ishida, but since he was dragged off stage halfway through the scene by a pregnant Ulquiorra wearing a maternity swimsuit, we had Renji stab me instead. And of course, being the stupid person that he is (Byakuya is a brave, brave man, I have to say) he decided that he would just stab himself with a spork too, to fit in. And he instantly had to be deported to a real hospital because he was bleeding all over the place. And then I was taken to the cardboard hospital and then in Scene Three, Matsumoto is supposed to come in, sit by my bedside, and mourn over my bruised, broken, and battered body.

Scene Three: Lights, (No) Camera, (Too much) Action!

Right. So I'm lying in a bed, with "bandages" aka toilet paper stained with a broken red pen mixed with water to resemble blood all over me. This bed was extremely hard, I have to tell you. I mean, if I'm going to be lying in a bed, can I at least get a softer bed? For the love of all religions, people, I would really like not to have back problems. Otherwise I'll become a hunchback and then get featured in Disney movies that tell lies about me and then have people throwing tomatoes at me and then claiming that it's rated G when it should be rated PG-13 for making fun of disabled people! But whatever. Point is, the bed was really hard. Like, harder than the floor, if that's even possible.

Anyway, so there's two chairs by my bed. One is for Matsumoto, the other one is for Yumichika. Do you remember how at the beginning of the play I introduced the cast? Or did you just skip ahead to the second chapter? Well, whatever. If you didn't read the cast things at the first chapter, then I'll let you know right now that it's very bad to skip chapters in a book because you might miss some essential information. But whatever. Yumichika's supposed to be in love with me, as the guy who's in love with the main guy. Now, this is actually not as bad as having, say, Kenpachi as the guy who's in love with the main guy. Because Kenpachi would probably kill me with all that "Zaraki-style loving." That guy needs to lay off the meth...it's making him stronger instead of higher.

Yeah. So Matsumoto just came sauntering in, and there were several nose explosions off stage, which in turn caused my bandages to be stained with real blood because of the projectile explosions. Yeah. She has that effect on people.

So she was sitting by my bedside in one of the chairs, and pretending to cry her eyes out over my broken and battered body. In reality, of course, she was laughing so hard that she was crying. How kind. If your captain was bleeding to death, wouldn't you be scared for your life because all the responsibility would then be placed on you? I mean, this is a hypothetical situation, but you know. It could totally happen!

Anyway, she was laughing and looking like she was crying when Yumichika came in. He was all, "Oh, Woe is me. Whatever am I going to do now that you are in the hospital and we can no longer see each other every day? Ahh, fair sweet, fair love of my -"

Yeah. Whatever. The play is NOT written by Shakespeare! Don't make it sound like it! But once again, I wholeheartedly appreciate Ishida's impeccable bad timing. He chose at this moment - after losing the plastic needle battle in the last chapter - to stand up in the audience (I don't know why he was in the audience, but I guess it was because he doesn't have any parts in this scene), and then shoot toothpicks at me. Please let it be known that while Ishida Uryuu is not old enough to obtain a weapon legally, he is definitely old - and bored and smart - enough to create a gun using nothing but a hairdryer, twelve toothpicks, and honey.

And thank God that Yumichika chose at that moment to step to the side, effectually blocking the toothpicks from ever reaching their destination aka me. So anyway, Yumichika screamed - not in pain - but he screamed about how he would now have scars on his lovely smooth skin that he worked for years and with the aid of many dermatologists and soaps and scrubs and whatnot to achieve that image. And then he was dragged off the stage, kicking and screaming and with twelve toothpicks in his back by Ikkaku, who was probably still gaping at Matsumoto while retrieving his partner.

And the curtain fell. Because some fool aka Renji who was just recently out of the hospital, decided to monkey around with the rope holding the curtain back. And of course, broke it. So the scene ended right there, even though Matsumoto was supposed to confess her undying love for me while at the side of my sickbed and I was supposed to promise her that I would never die and blah blah blah.

So I guess that's what's gonna be happening in the next scene. Her confessing her undying love.

I hope that if we ever have to do a reenactment of Romeo and Juliet for this school, I really hope that Matsumoto will be stupid enough to actually stab herself with the dagger, bleed to death, and die. I think it would make for a welcome change. I can just imagine it now: No more messy offices, no more babbling about how Nanao Ise was wearing that this morning and how it appealed to her figure, no more hangovers to complain about in the morning, and many less headaches! The world might just be a better place without a certain big-busted vice captain of the Court of Pure Souls.

Note to self: Perhaps I can convince someone to take her away from there? I don't really want to have blood on my hands. It's bad enough that I knocked Yachiru out after she came running into my office screaming at a hundred miles a minute about how she lost her bunny and how if I had seen it would I please return it? Yeah. I knocked her out and Kenpachi came after me with bloodlust in his eyes. I was hospitalized for a MONTH after that.

But I do wonder how I can get Matsumoto to be kicked out of Soul Society...that's an intriguing prospect.

Any ideas? They are much appreciated.


	5. Undying Love? Really?

**I'm BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!**

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I'm still in the hospital. Yeah. This cardboard hospital thing which I'm trying to frantically blow over with a silent blowdryer so that it falls on top of Mayuri and kills him. You know, then Szayel and he will stop being chummy and then we won't have another pregnant person in this whole shibang. Oh wait. Did I say pregnant person? Forget I ever said that, you guys! Because, you know, what with my luck and all, it will happen. Ugh. And I honestly don't need that. Just for the record, Rukia was pregnant and gave birth to a tentacle baby that would make Luppi proud. Orihime was also pregnant and gave birth to deciplets, nine of which she gave up to an orphanage and the tenth one she kept and named Zohan, even though she is not Jewish in any way, shape, or form. She doesn't even eat kosher! Ulquiorra is a month overdue. Yes, that's right. And if that wasn't bad enough, he was impregnated by Orihime, who has no idea how it happened nor any recollection of ever getting it on with Ulquiorra. Ichigo is also pregnant by Ishida. And then there's Nemu. Nemu is pregnant with Lisa's child. Yes, you heard me right. Lisa's child. If you don't know who Lisa is, you clearly don't waste enough of your time on Bleach. Basically, Lisa is Nanao's role model. The Vizard one in the sailor suit that keeps reading pornos. Yeah. That's her.

ANYWAY, so back to the play. I'm lying in this hardass bed that's harder than the floor and I'm trying not to shift too much so that the spring on the left side of the bed doesn't poke up into my ribs and incapacitate me for life while trying to avoid the spring that is positioned perfectly in between my legs so that it doesn't snap up suddenly and doom me to a life of celibacy. Although that option is looking pretty good right now. I mean, seriously. When I'm not getting yelled at by women (namely Hinamori and Soi Fong), then I'm getting knocked out by giant appendages (namely Matsumoto's and Orihime's). I just can't win!

The entire audience has realized, by now, that the entire play is a joke, and so they're pretty much laughing their asses off at me. The empty chair beside Matsumoto will remain empty for the time being because Yumichika is still in shock due to emotional trauma over the whole toothpick-in-the-perfect-flawless-skin incident. And his standin, Yachiru (don't ask, I beg of you), decided not to show up today because she was far more interested in raiding the candy shop down the street while Kenpachi went next door to the plumbing company to steal all their toilets. He has an obsession with toilets. (Once again, please see Hitsugaya's Guide to High School. Then you stand a decent chance of knowing what all this shit means.)

Basically, through her tears (of laughter), Matsumoto is telling me how much she loves me and how she wants me not to die so that she doesn't have to suffer through the rest of her miserable life without me. (I'm sure if I actually did die, she would be extremely happy. But whatever. If I died, I'd also be extremely happy. Then I wouldn't have to deal with HER.) You know, the whole undying love gig. Like in Romeo and Juliet. "Oh, Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?" I think I'm quoting the wrong scene. And I'm lying here on this bed that should be declared a dangerous weapon of war listening to her go on and on and on and on about things that I know she doesn't mean. And have I mentioned that she only got this role because she currently has the biggest rack in the school right now? I mean, she didn't even memorize her lines! She's actually reading them off the bedsheets on my "hospital bed." I, on the other hand, was forced into this play because everybody likes to see me suffer. And the main male role in this story just so happens to have white hair. Hmm. I wonder who arranged that?

Anyway, Mayuri is cackling evilly in the background because this is the scene where he jumps out and declares Matsumoto a sexual offender for harassing me with all her tears and not letting me rest up so that I will get better quickly. His cackle is pretty damn creepy, too. Reminds me of The Grudge or something....

So he jumps out from behind the wall of the cardboard hospital and aims the silent blowdryer at her. The silent blow dryer that I was using, by the way, to attempt to knock over the cardboard hospital so that Mayuri would be killed. I guess it didn't work.

She screams, jumps up, and it just so happens that she was holding on to the arm rests of the chair while she jumped up. The chair flies up with her, and since I'm pretty much paralyzed by the position of the springs in the bed, I have to watch while the chair flies up and then comes back down and hits me.

After that, everything went black.

* * *

When I woke up, I was in an actual hospital. There were bandages on my head and a bandage across my nose. Apparently it broke. I was in a hospital gown, there was a blood bag attached to me, and my roommate was being very annoying and loud and causing my head to throb. I turned my head on the pillow to give him a piece of my mind, and I stopped short, my mouth wide open, as I saw who it was.

It was Renji.

Back in the hospital again after stabbing himself with a chopstick.

I fainted.


	6. Potholes

Right, so after the whole I got knocked out with a chair thing because Matsumoto was clinging frantically to the arm rests while jumping up because Mayuri freaked her out, I'm in the hospital. With a mild concussion. You know, the whole the world is swimming around you and stuff like that. And as if somebody up there was playing very sadistically with my life, of course I had to have a roommate. And of course that roommate was Renji. Of course. I mean, why not, right?

Oh. Oh yeah. And my nose got broken, too. There go my chances of winning Mr. Japan anytime soon.

But of course, the show must go on. Because the school play is just too cool and way more important than the fact that I, the lead male role, have a broken nose and concussion and am being hospitalized. Because I'm not important at all. And because, of course, everybody wants to see more of Matsumoto's fun bags. You know.

So instead of letting me rest at the hospital like I SHOULD HAVE BEEN DOING, they're wheeling me back to the auditorium in my gurney with the blood bag and IV still attached. So, right now, my current status is being bumped along on the sidewalk like a sack of potatoes in a rickshaw, and this is clearly NOT GOOD FOR MY HEALTH. Seriously. I could have a heart attack right now and nobody would notice because they're too busy finding every pothole in the sidewalk to wheel my bed over.

* * *

Right. After the whole spine jarring trip from the hospital to here, I'm lying in my hospital bed (an actual real one) while Mayuri accuses Matsumoto of being a sexual offender because she is harassing me with all her tears (of laughter) and so not letting me rest up so that I can heal faster. Something like that. So there's this whole conflict scene between the two of them, and secretly, it's not actually Mayuri doing the conflict scene, but one of his clones because he is currently hiding behind the cardboard hospital writing up a thirty page term paper on the mysteries and cures of Lyme disease. I mean, seriously. How many pages can you write about a disease caused by rabid ticks?

Okay. Whatever.

So I'm lying here in this hospital bed that is actually somewhat comfortable. However, the unfortunate part is that Matsumoto's things are swinging quite dangerously close to me and I am afraid that one of them will hit me and that I will suffer from some serious brain damage. I mean, with how hard it is, you'd think she wears iron-plated bras to keep perverts from grabbing them. (Seriously. I should know. I've had experience with them. And I don't need the whole "You're such a nancy boy! Letting him drop your change on the counter!" thing.)

Another unfortunate part is that the auditorium is still goddamned cold, even though it's late May and it's supposed to be warm and sunny. Well, anyway, it's cold in here. So in winter, when the heater/air conditioning unit wasn't working, they figured out a way to solve it in spring and now the air conditioning is going wild. It's practically snowing in here. Just...without the snow. There's not enough water in the air to do that.

So Mayuri's all, "You uncultured swine! Affecting my poor son like that! You need to let him rest so that he can heal quicker! Let him go, woman! Leave the building before he gets any worse! You are damaging his physical and mental health!" As if Mayuri ever cared about my well being.

And then Matsumoto's like, "I mean, whatever old man! He's my eternal love, and I have the right to stay by his side if I so wish!" Right. We all know that in Soul Society, if she was given an option between sake and paperwork (and me), she would totally choose the sake. You know. So she could go get drunk with Kira and parade around the place wearing nothing but loin cloths. I'm still trying to get over that. You know, because Kira doesn't seem like the kind of person that would go parading around in a public place without wearing his vice captain uniform. Apparently, I was wrong. Just like I was wrong about how guys couldn't get pregnant. It turns out they can, and have.

And then, because Matsumoto and Mayuri have had their differences in the past (Mayuri originally thought Matsumoto's breasts were giant tumors and he wanted to operate on her immediately so the cancer didn't spread to other parts of her body; I'm sure he didn't want to cure her of any 'cancer' she had, I think he just wanted to keep the 'tumors' and see what stage of cancer the tumors were because he had never seen any tumors that big before), they both started getting into a fight. Not like a regular street fight, what with slapping and punching and stuff, but they actually got out of their gigais and started fighting each other with their swords and whatnot. So, of course, then they had to be rushed to the hospital because their gigais had no heartbeat or pulse and so the school administrators thought that they were having a stroke or a heart attack. At the same time. Right. What are the chances of that?

And so the ambulance comes and picks up their two gigais, but they leave me there. Lying in the hospital gurney on the frikking stage with the limelight shining down on me and blinding me ever so slowly while my head throbs like hell. Yeah.

And I'm watching Matsumoto and Mayuri go at it like wild cats over a piece of rotting meat.

Okay. Oh my God.

I'm going to go to sleep now.


	7. Exit Stage Left

Get this. One of my reviewers (and possibly one of my fans too! even though I'm considering retracting her membership to the 'We Love Hitsugaya!' club) just jinxed me! I mean, what the hell is up with that? Why would anybody in their right mind go and jinx me? And, what's even worse, why would one of my own FANS go and jinx me? Huh? HUH?!

Oh, what have I done to deserve this?

Please, Garrett Is Mine, tell me what I have done wrong! So that I can stop doing it so things like this can stop happening to me! Although I doubt that even if I stopped doing whatever bad things I'm doing that that would stop my bad luck.

Did you know there was a study done that shows that bad luck could possibly be genetically inherited? Maybe my parents had really bad - Oh. My. God. I'll bet it was Grandma. That old coot had the WORST LUCK in the history of worst luck.

I mean, I could fill a freaking book about all the bad stuff that's happened to her. Like, she went and walked under a ladder, the ladder fell down on top of her and damaged her leg so that she became a cripple. Another time, a mirror broke in front of her and a shard cut her. And another time, she was reading a book and she got this horrible paper cut. I could go on forever. I mean, I've got plenty of time now.

Because, see, while I fell asleep in the auditorium while Mayuri and Matsumoto were fighting it out like wild cats over a piece of rotting meat, apparently everybody left and went home. And left me in the auditorium. Locked in the very cold auditorium, may I add. With nobody with -

Wait.

What was that?

Oh my God. What if this auditorium is haunted? What if I get haunted by all the ghosts of actors past? I don't want to be haunted! I don't like ghosts!

Maybe if I hide under the covers. Hold on a second. Let me disconnect my (now empty) blood bag.

* * *

Okay. I'm under the covers of my hospital bed now. I'm scared to death. I hate being alone in places like this, because it's very dark and very scary. I mean, I know I'm a Captain of the Guardian 13 and all that, but seriously! Everybody has fears, and that's not even a joke.

Yamamoto is afraid of one day running out of tea leaves. As if we couldn't go and buy some more. Now that is a fear that is totally illogical.  
Soi Fong is deathly afraid of squirrels.  
Gin...what is Gin afraid of? Oh yeah. That's right. He's afraid of social workers. He says they "Smile too much." Isn't that ironic?  
Unohana is afraid of lasers.  
Aizen is afraid of pickles.  
Byakuya is afraid of going to a store and then realizing that they're completely out of his favorite hair products.  
Komamura is afraid of ticks and fleas.  
Shunsui is afraid of fire, because he is worried that one day Nanao will go crazy and burn all his sake. You know, like in Pirates of the Caribbean, where that one girl (Elizabeth?) goes and burns all the rum, even though this is clearly the most illogical thing in the world to do on a deserted island with no food.  
Tousen is afraid of the light. The light which he...cannot see....  
Kenpachi is afraid of mice. I know. Don't ask.  
Mayuri is afraid of dropping the chemical sodium into water.  
Ukitake is afraid of outer space.

So, see, everybody has fears, and I bet if I got to know some of the Arrancars well enough, I bet they'd have fears too. Of course, their fears would probably be a lot different.

* * *

Oh my God. I just heard a growl in the audience. Well, in the nonexistent audience, anyway, because everybody's left. It's amazing, how I can still crack jokes at a time like this. I mean, this is literally laughing in the face of danger. Except I'm not laughing. You might be, but I'm not.

See, that growl sounds really primitive. Oh my God. What if it's a bear? What if it's a mountain lion? What if it's a Siberian tiger? What if it's a rabid pig with swine flu?

Can pigs get rabies? Can pigs growl?

I can't believe I'm contemplating the status of pigs and rabies when I'm about to get eaten by something that is clearly carnivorous.

And then, under the covers, I see this shadow fall across the sheet.

I'm freaking out. Okay?

If I die, all my life possessions shall go with me. I am not leaving them to anybody! Please let this be known as the last will and testament of Hitsugaya Toushirou.

xxxxxxxxA FEW HOURS LATERxxxxxxxxxxxx

Well, it turns out that the growling in the audience did not come from a bear, a mountain lion, a Siberian tiger, or a rabid pig with swine flu.

No. It came from something far worse. Something so bad that I was all, "Give me the rabid pig now, baby!"

It came from Renji, who had escaped from the hospital. It turns out that he was trying to make a fire to cook his fish on.

The fire spread quickly, and ate up the seats and the stage and my hospital bed. I ran outside. I didn't see Renji following me. And I watched with the night crew of the school as the entire auditorium burned down. By the time the fire department got there, there was nothing but charred ashes and smoldering wood. As the firefighters went in to see if there were any survivors or anything worth keeping from the fire, they came back out with a perfectly baked fish.

Renji was nowhere to be found, but I'm pretty sure that that was a growl behind me.

I grabbed the fish, threw it into the shrubs behind me, and ran for my life.

Curtain closed. The end. Exit stage left.


End file.
